Absolution
by glitterbomb
Summary: When the one you love is the one who hurts you the most...how do you fight that? (It's not my best, so feel free to tear into it :)


sanzo  
  
It probably took you about a week to notice something was different, maybe two, right? Even then, you most likely couldn't put your finger on just what was missing...maybe it was a little quieter, maybe food just unaccountably stopped evaporating. You're so self-absorbed, wrapped up in your paperwork and routine that, to be fair, I bet it took you a week and a half for the silence to sink in and alert you on whatever subconcious level you exist on; a week and a half for you to go to my room and find this letter on top of the atypically made bed. Is the room emptier? Does it echo without me? The temple probably echoes without me, I bet. You already know what this letter is going to say; you don't want to read it. Or do you? Do you want confirmation that I've gone? Is that what you wanted all along? You treated me like a convenient pet; one you liked having around only when it suited you, and left the upkeep to whoever was handy...when all I wanted was you. You treated me like a child, when I've grown far past that now. What would it take for you to see? I'm not a baby anymore. What would it take for you to notice, for you to care as much as I once did for you? All the things I wanted, everything I said was less important than whatever you were involved in at the moment, every single time. You let me down more times than I can count--remember the time you left me in the rain? Hakkai and Gojyo dropped me off in town and you were supposed to pick me up at the meatbun store, to have lunch together. I waited until the store closed. I waited longer than that. I waited the entire day for you, and finally I decided to walk back to the temple. Halfway there, it started to pour down in bucketfuls, just as it got dark; raining so hard I couldn't see, and I had to take shelter in the entrance of that small underground temple to some unnamed bodisattava. Underground, in the dark--not someplace I especially like--I waited for the rain to stop, hoping you'd come by and bring me home. My clothes were already soaked and I started to get really cold, but I thought it had to be a mistake, you wouldn't just leave me to wait like that, you wouldn't, not all day. Something must have happened on your way; you must have been ambushed and had to fight youkai--were you all right? Maybe you were dying somewhere in the dark, breathing your last! No way...They'd never get you so easily, right? But why didn't you come? Why'd you leave me?  
  
I must have dozed, chilled and soaked to the skin as I was, because when I opened my eyes again, the rain was still pouring, but I could see enough to make my way back. I walked through the dark--it was pitch black, but I made it back, finally, to the temple. When I got inside, I couldn't find you! I thought you must be worried crazy looking for me, but the temple was quiet. I ran back to your office desk, to see if there was a note, anything, and there you were. Calm and quiet and unruffled. You barely even glanced at me, like the way I was standing there, confused and hurt and wet and cold and waiting patiently for an answer that would explain everything was normal.  
  
"You're dripping." You said. "Clean yourself up." And then you went back to what you were doing, some kind of paperwork (big surprise). I couldn't believe it. That was it? No way.  
  
"Where have you been?" I asked you, remember? Did I sound hurt to you? I was trying so hard not to get angry, trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. "I waited for you all day! You were supposed to pick me up from town this morning!"  
  
"What did you do, walk back?" Ten miles. I walked back to you.  
  
I nodded, hurt and confused and trusting and dumb. Too many times something like this has happened, but every time I wanted so badly to believe that your reasons were good--not that you were actually that cold and uncaring...as cold as my wet clothes were quickly becoming (it was October, after all).  
  
You took off your glasses and looked at me. Sighed, like I was wasting your time; like you had to explain something for the millionth time to a demanding and stupid child--stupid for the last time. "I was about to go pick you up his morning when I was summoned to see the Three Aspects. As usual, they dumped all their dirty work on me, and I've been up since then trying to--"  
  
"The floating heads? You blow them off all the time! I was waiting for you!"  
  
"Yeah, well, then they'd come back with some guilt trip bullshit, and make thinly veiled comments on how I might need to start looking for a new temple--"  
  
"So? Since when do you care? You're always tellin' me you're sick of their shit, right? Look for somewhere else!"  
  
That icy, dead glare, freezing me through my shivery exterior. Something cracked inside me. "Clean up the puddle you're making and go away." You might as well have hit me. Hell, you'd been hitting me all along; bruises your words left never healed like the ones from fighting youkai. I turned and left without a further word; you remember, I know. I don't need to tell you, but I want you to relive it, see it again...make you hurt like I did. Like I had been all along.  
  
So I went back to my rooms that night...slept in my wet clothes, though I doubt the telling of that would be the thing to cause you to care all of a sudden. I stayed as long as it took for me to sleep and pack. When you glared at me, shut down my argument, something switched. It wasn't...wasn't the demon part of me, exactly, though we've become closer. I realized that I wasn't a child anymore, throwing a tantrum to get my way...that's how you treated me, like I didn't know better and couldn't understand--like I was just an irritation to be tolerated. Standing in that door dripping ice and frozen to the heart, I knew I was grown. The cost was something that would have made me cry out had I not now seen it to be more than a fair trade.  
  
You've done this kind of thing too many times, too carelessly. I can't look to someone as uncaring and cold and selfish to be the only...family I've got. Why did I never matter to you? If Hakkai and Gojyo or...or anyone else made plans or needed you, the three heads would be on the back burner in an instant. But I was never important enough to figure into your plans, your busy life. I was always just another stumbling block. I can't love someone who tramples on me, who doesn't care. Not that you would, but don't waste your efforts looking for me. I don't want to hear of or from you again--it's easier for both of us this way.  
  
Saru  
  
How stupid could I be/

A simpleton could see

that you're no good for me

but you're the only one I see

Sarah McLachlan, 'Stupid' 


End file.
